


Paranoia Paradox

by stralalneopac



Category: Steins;Gate
Genre: Dark, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Spoilers, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 13:11:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17940320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stralalneopac/pseuds/stralalneopac
Summary: Kiryu Moeka finds herself atop a quiet building on a sunny afternoon, looking to spend some alone time, reflect, and deal with some things she's been thinking about for a while...





	Paranoia Paradox

Kiryu Moeka was having trouble seeing her own hand as the wind blew her hair in front of her face, but at the present moment she wasn’t particularly bothered by this; nor was she concerned by the fact she was stood over ten floors up, dead centre on the roof of some featureless, nameless block of flats tucked away from the bustle of the busier streets. It was exhausting for the young introvert to struggle up the ten flights of stairs necessary to reach the roof of this building; but as she thought about what had led her up to this very moment, that too held little weight on her mind.

Moeka had never been a person of importance, she knew this. Her own parents hadn’t even wanted her, so unlike other children she found no respite from the harshness of reality in her own home. It’s not like she could really blame her parents for not loving her as she wanted them too, anyone would find it hard to love something they had never desired, that just seemed to exist to drain what little life the family had in it. So even though it still made her insides scrunch up like a wrung sponge thinking about how they would get mad and loud at her for insignificant things, in her mind it was pointless to vilify them. After all, it was more so her own fault for being unceremoniously thrust into their lives in ignorance of their own wishes than it was theirs. Blaming them would be nothing but an exercise in painful futility.

Thinking on all this, she found that she now sat at the edge of the roof, legs hanging free above the barren street below. Moeka soon felt that familiar scrunching sensation creep up on her yet again like an angry swarm of spiders crawling its way through her insides. Why now, of all times, was she dredging up pointless memories? She desperately tried to steady her weak and irregular breathing, she knew that it didn’t matter who’s fault it was, or that they didn’t want her. They aren’t around anymore, so there’s no need to ask questions about years long since gone. She often came up here to escape the loud cycle of society and be free of life’s responsibilities, and yet today she came up here to do no such thing. It was thanks to this that she was most annoyed right now. Was she so stuck in monotony and routine that simply coming up here caused her own brain to go into auto-pilot, dragging old memories into the forefront of her mind without so much as a warning. It almost felt like her own mind was working against her now, although she mused that even that feeling wasn’t especially new to her. Frustrated, Moeka lay back on the roof so that her head rested on the rough concrete and let her eyes slowly fall closed.

Isolated. Scared. Pointless. These are the words Kiryu Moeka would use to describe herself even when she was at her most calm. An isolated and scared girl who lived a pointless life all alone, whether she was in the packed crowds of the main streets, or a desolate rooftop like this, she was alone. She held her eyes tight shut as she shook her head again. The same thoughts on repeat, like something inside her was fundamentally broken and kept forcing these thoughts on her. At the very least, that annoyance snapped her back to reality, and brought her to why she was up here again. She was sick of feeling useless, of her own thoughts belittling her and reminder her of her lack of presence and importance to anyone and anything. She just wanted it to stop, and so she’d come up to a place she usually sought brief refuge to finally just get them to shut up once and for all.

She pulled herself up off her back so as to be stood straight up at the edge of the roof, looking down at the still empty, shaded side-street below. The distant sound of life, traffic and people moving around their lives, lulled Moeka into a trance as she just stood and stared blankly at the dreary view. She didn’t know how long she stood there, but eventually she was once more shook back to life, her hair flying around her face once more. She steeled herself, squeezed her eyes closed and lifted her foot off the ground, moving it forward over the sheer drop directly in front of her as she-

_BZZT! BZZT! BZZT!_

She let out an uncharacteristically loud yelp as the sudden vibration from her pocket knocked her off her balance and landed her on her back, looking up at the sky from the roof of the tall building one more time. A little sore, the young woman stood up shakily and pulled her phone from her pocket. Her heart pounded in her chest, drowning out the aching of her body as she balanced herself on her feet. She had a single email from an address she didn’t recognise. Well, of course she didn’t recognise it, she didn’t have anyone she emailed or that would email her, so until now her phone was more of an accessory to her person that anything useful. So of course, that begged the question of who exactly did send her an email out of the blue. She could barely hear her own thoughts over the sound of her own heart in her ears as she just kept her eyes locked onto the phone screen, as if she were afraid it would disappear from her hand the second she turned away or even blinked. It took her a long time to stop staring at the dim-lit screen and actually open the mail, a lot longer than she would care to admit were someone to ask. But when she did, she immediately began to read what she had been sent, almost ravenous in her absorbing every character present;

_**Hello Miss,**_

_**I’m FB, and I’ve been wanting to reach out to you for a while now…**_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this short thing I wrote on and off over the past few months. Didn't feel like writing much since I posted my last work nearly a FULL YEAR ago, so I just chipped away at this for a while.
> 
> That said, I've started work on Chapter Two of that Okakuri fic so that should be out in the next month or two. Apologies to anyone who did really like it and wanted to see more, I'll get it out before the year anniversary hits lol


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